Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Not all heroes wear capes…
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra