Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

it’s the silliest best thing

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!