Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.