Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*