Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”