therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*names my little horse OneTrick*
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
This classic never gets old . . .
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*