Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Body by Oreos

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

dream blunt rotation

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

goldfish mafia

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

on da cob, we all corn

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]