therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
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What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’m too immature for adultery.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]