therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
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As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?