therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
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My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
dam girl
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”