therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
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I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Whoa 😂
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute