Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

Cha-ching is my safe word

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”