Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
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I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
is nasa ok
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Breaking news:
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Oh we’ve met.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.