Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.