Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Social distancing in Australia:

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?