Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*