Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

shazam but for random noises outside

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU