Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once