Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]