Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

I’m good, thanks.

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes