[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
You Might Also Like
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.