Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you