Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

I have taken up painting

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about