Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

My dog after a walk in the woods.

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.