Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

I have two kinds of followers

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.