Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

I WON A HAM TODAY

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

do horses think humans are hats

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts