Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

shit, they caught us—run!!!

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?