Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

Not recommended for beginners.

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.