Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.