@CourtneyBale

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

@Amusitr0n

*bullies advance*
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!
<laughter>

*detectives arrive*
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?

@jada_captain

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

@thetobbie

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

@ParaComedian09

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

@Sickayduh

This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.

@aksorojas

fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me

@jakob_huber

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

@PickleRudd

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

@chuuew

DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]