Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

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cause baby now we’ve got
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]


*bullies advance*
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!

*detectives arrive*
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?


*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas


The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…


If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.


This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.


fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me


The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.


A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.


DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]