There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
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Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Not all heroes wear capes.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you