There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
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11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
i could never be president. im overqualified.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.