There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
You Might Also Like
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu