There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”