There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
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Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
still the best tweet of the year by far
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I think about this a lot
