There are 2 kinds of twitter.
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When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.