There are 2 kinds of twitter.
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Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.