There are 2 kinds of twitter.
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[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
This is my brand.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it