Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.