Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

For the ones in the back.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”