“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
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Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
😂😂😂
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.