There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.