There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]