Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.