There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
so this horse walks into a bar
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater