there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
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me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
<- sleeps well with others
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you