Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages