Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.

I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.