there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
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*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.