there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
You Might Also Like
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I finally found a reason to live again.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐