There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
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[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
BRO LMFAO
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
