There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
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If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave