There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
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The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.