Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.