Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

this site is so cooked lol

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed