Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

#milo

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.