Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Just take a day off

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

Always 🥴

look at me when i’m typing to you

gentlemen, hear me out

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”