Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross

ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible

CROCODILE: Have they got a name?

ME: what

CROCODILE: What do you call them?

ME: uh

CROCODILE: SAY IT

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.