Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Ha

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

Stop being racist to kettles.

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.