Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve