Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.