There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas