Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird