Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

Fluff me with a fork baby

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.