Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races