Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail