Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.