Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

you’re so productive for your wage

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding