There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
☠️☠️☠️
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.