Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

Great game to play with friends

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

Jesus Christ lmao

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan