Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.