There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
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[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Ah..makes sense now
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will