There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
According to math, I’m broke
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
THIS HEADLINE
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Yep.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.